well at least he's humble about it

date: 12.23.2008

from: JC

to: DM

re: i won the fantasy football league, chumps

"I am the champion, I am the champion, no time for losers because I am the champion... of the fumble fest!"

good question

date: 12.22.08

from: PPF

to: DM

re: despite drinking with you, i made it to the meadowlands and my team won!

"DM, how am I still wasted? Go giants!"

punctuation is for losers

date: 12.07.2008

from: SM

to: DM

re: the end of last night is a bit of a blur

@9:52 am

"Not sure how I got home woke up naked with all lights on and threw my nan's hand towel in the toilet -- I am a mess let me know if you want to hang out later"

@10:03 am

"Ps I'm still drunk and have a gold medal"

@ 10:58 am (re: what's the last thing you remember)

"Finnertys - I don't remember getting pizza, walking home, my apt, etc. I slept with all the lights on..."

@ 11:16 am

"Pps - it hurts to walk"

the holiday spirit abounds

date: 12.09.2008
from: LMc
to: DM
re: people on the streets with their happy attitudes and their requests for money are so pleasantly deluded


"Do I look like I want to save the children?!"

the man draws a crowd

date: 12.11.2008
from: NM
to: DM
re: i hear the food preparation staff at the Imperial Wegmans is fantastic

"Guess where mom and I went for lunch"





response:

date: 12.12.2008
from: SK
to: DM
re: i heard you had visitors at the cafe yesterday

"All the ladies come in for the eye candy..."

sometimes you just go a little too hard out of the blocks

date: 12.06.2008

from: C-meth

to: DM

re: I think I'm black-out drunk and need to go home; I'll see you tomorrow

A series of drunken texts, in six parts

-----------------------------

@12:05am

"Fmdrank" (sic)

-----------------------------

@12:06am

"Too much"

----------------------------

@12:07am

"Will see u Saturday."

-----------------------------

@12:38am

"Ptfo"

---------------------------

@12:39am

"Sorry wasted I"

-----------------------------

(and finally, the morning follow-up)

@7:40am

"I don't know how we got back home. I just remember flowing shots of tequila."

well, it was accurate

date: 11.22.2008
from: DC
to: DM
re: how to find me at the packed Cal bar

"We're downstairs. I'm the guy in the gay blue sweater."

threats i can handle

date: 11.23.2008
from: D.B.R, esq
to: DM
re: consider this your only warning about tonight's festivities

"Prepare to meet your maker's mark!"

i mean, she didn't say "no" at the time

date: 11.27.2008
from: PPF
to: DM
re: your late night bar suggestions last tuesday

"The next time you say the word 'shot,' i will slap you so hard you wind up in another dimension. Even if i'm not there, i will find out, build a time machine, and come back to get you. Happy Thanksgiving."

Reasons why drunken Food Network watching is good

date: 11.28.2008
from: BH
to: DM
re: menu for future millerstocks

"Just saw 'pulled turkey' on the food network. May have to introduce it at 2k9."

totally not a creepy text to get early in the morning

date: 09.14.2008
from: Ker-bear
to: DM
re: headed into DC to catch up and watch the marathon

"Loverboy... Wake up! I am coming to find you... just got to the metro..."

(note: in my head this came across in the voice of the crazy chick from wedding crashers)

late night food cravings turn ugly sometimes

date: 10.03.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: DM took last night's evening out as an excuse to sleep until noon

"God, I wish k (sic) could have fallen back asleep. I'm brain dead. And covered in spaghetti sauce, for some reason."

ahhh, hangovers

date: 09.20.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: this morning and i are NOT playing nice together

"Why did you tie me down and put molasses in my brain last night? It was uncalled for."

well, he probably got the point across

date: 08.14.2008
from: SK
to: DM
re: i'm lucky i don't work in a corporate environment

"I pulled a 'douche' card on someone at work today. Appropriate?"

sometimes saturday morning just doesn't happen

date: 09.13.2008
from: ED
to: DM
re: i've felt better

@2:53pm

"Entering the world of the living slowly today... About to try eating food. This could be big. Enjoy the culture and drinks, let me know what's up later"

sometimes size does matter

date: 09.13.2008
from: CoMe
to: DM
re: you think doing car bombs @5pm in DC is impressive?


"I brought this to a house party... it's gonna get ugly"

who knew yankee stadium was full of idiots and assholes? (insert sarcasm)

date: 09.17.2008
from: KM
to: DM
re: once upon a time, four attractive females went to take in some baseball

"we are the most hated people here. we were told we were talking too loud, to sit down when we were trying to leave the row, that we were under 21, and some old asshole called clare a princess"

learning to work the iPhone... while drinking at a Yankees game

date: 09.17.2008
from: SM
to: DM
re: apparently i'm at the Yankee "library"... at least they still serve beer

@8:31pm

"Holy duck got yelled at at the game to be quiet because I was giving the girls updates on the drama."


@8:32pm

"I mean fuck"


@10:13pm

"Drunk Kate got called a go me (sic) loud clare a princess and jen superman. multiple fights all aroundp (sic)"

@10:13pm

"Kate was called a go"

@10:14pm

"Hoe I hate this phone drink"

note: I think she was trying to clarify that Kate got called a "hoe," not a "go me." As for the rest of this sentence, I have no idea.


@10:17pm

"Go p"


@10:25pm

"J"

conform to my whims, dammit!

date: 09.17.2008
from: SM
to: DM
re: just finished the yankees game, i'll come join you if you're out drinking

@10:54pm

"You are too far you suckp"


@11:12pm

"You suck too late I had pizza. Alone" (note: SM apparently does not like punctuation. Ever.)


@11:27

"no you suck end of story"


@11:37pm

"Shut up you jerk I rock at the iphone"

there's no abuse like misspelled drunken abuse

date: 09.06.2008
from: KFC
to: DM
re: you might need to work out some kinks in our fantasy league

"Im drtnk, imO smoking-& ur a bad commssione7"

(note: all sic. seriously.)

excuse me sir, you're drooling. again.

date: 02.22.2008
from: Sailor
to: DM
re: our day trip to princeton really escalated quickly

@9:32pm

"$1 Miller Highlifes own me."
............................................................
follow-up picture text sent by JA @10:45pm

i guess that's why we all scream for it

date: 07.18.2008
from: CHu
to: DM
re: i don't think i'm gonna be able to make it out tonight


"I just ate too much ice cream to be seen in public."

important things about Rochester

date: 07.30.2008
from: Duck
to: DM
re: i decided to try a local delicacy for lunch

"Fact: white hot garbage plates are legit. Query: is Corn Hill legit?"

turns out pork "butt" is actually a cut of meat from a pig's shoulder...

date: 07.31.2008
from: BH
to: DM
re: ms2k8 preparations

"I just ordered a 'master case' of pork butt."

unexpected dime-dropping from cherry creek

date: 08.02.2008
from: MY, md
to: DM
re: looks like it's time you learned the whole sordid truth...

"Sky's a communist."

sunday funday sounded like a good idea at the time

date: 07.28.2008
from: DM/Sailor
to: Sailor/DM
re: oh god, what were we doing out until 3am last night...

@ 8:36 am from Sailor to DM

"I'm a mess"

@ 8:49 am from DM to Sailor

"Ditto"

@ 9:36am from Sailor to DM

"I can't see straight... literally"

@ 9:38am from DM to Sailor

"I dropped my ice coffee on the ground in Dunkin Donuts. I couldn't handle it, so I just left. I can't go back there for a while."

@ 9:40am from Sailor to DM

"Omg... thats (sic) amazing. I took my shower this morning sitting down."

@ 12:19pm from DM to Sailor

"There's thirty percent chance I vomit in the next five minutes"

Note: Damn we're a classy bunch...

kitchen games are fun, but remember to check on your roommate's plans

date: 07.28.2008
from: LP
to: DM
re: didn't see that one coming

"I'm fairly certain i just walked in on my roommate having sex. I'm just thankful it wasn't doggie style..."

hide the children

date: 07.25.2008
from: NM
to: DM
re: dicey fashion decisions by quasi-family members

"look what i found"

just another day in the life of an insurance salesman

date: 07.25.2008
from: EB
to: DM
re: i'm not gonna make it to the bar

@10:44pm

"I'm gonna have to call douche on myself for getting hammered at lunch and being hung over right now..."

things not to tell your boys

date: 07.26.2008
from: JMC
to: DM, ML, and others
re: yeah, i just ghosted from the bar

"My fucking tits are killing me. It is clear to me that I don't drink or eat fatty foods till they're gone."

the only possible response to the above post

date: 07.26.2008
from: ML
to: JMC
re: heh heh heh

"You will now respond to a new code name: bitchtits. See you tomorrow."

trust him people, he's a corporate lawyer

date: 07.26.2008
from: MR
to: DM
re: that was NOT on the agenda

"Someone explain how and why i was just at a strip club in the south bronx"

trust him folks, he's a doctor

date: 07.26.2008
from: MY, md
to: DM
re: i've been in new york for like, twenty minutes

"A bird just shit on me"

well that's one way to accelerate the evening

date: 07.27.2008
from: SC
to: DM
re: i'm hanging out with your sister, and we're taking it to 11

@7:34 pm

"Goldschlager has entered the bldg."

i guess that means it was a good night...

date: 07.27.2008
from: EB
to: DM
re: wow, we got kind of drunk, didn't we?

"You actually make it home last night?"

surprising revelations...

date: 06.22.2008
from: KM
to: DM
re: is one of our friends moonlighting?

"a stripper just asked clare if she knew her from work, specifically 'the bikini bar on 41st'"

a really tough sell

date: 07.15.2008
from: BH
to: DM
re: possible travel plans with Frank

"I'll come down too... if there's bourbon drinking..."

reveling in the iPhone

date: 07.18.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: o.m.g. that line was SO worth it

@10:16 p.m.

"My mom just gave back my phone. It now has a program that makes it make noise like a light saber when you move it. Jealous?"

@ 11:50 p.m.

"Just checking the box scores and player stats for every yank on my phone. Ho hum."

Anticipating the iPhone

date: 07.18.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: i need this new iPhone so badly i can taste it

"My god -- this line sucks. I'd take a picture but my p.o.s. phone cam is broke..."

just another kickball thursday

date: 05.16.2008
from: CHu
to: DM
re: the end of the end of the evening went south

"I should have just left with you and not tried ti (sic) go outmore drunk too drunk in a cab by myself now."

ivy league reunion(s) weekend

date: 05.31.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: we're playing daytime cups outside at the 'Gate, what are you up to?

"Sudden downpour while joc and i are buying booze so we're drinking in the room while the baby plays with a used beer cup? Ok."

hazards of dating

date: 06.03.2008
from: Duck
to: DM
re: the stripper i took home from a bar last night

"Chick broke my lamp pole on a homework assignment"

coherence not required (all entries sic)

date: 06.05.2008
from: JMC
to: DM
re: reports from bachelor party round two (in jacksonville)

@11:16pm

"Damn it. .... Doug... Get down here"

@12:52am

"I am going to oresunslly best them"

@1:03am

"I never duck shut up. ...."

the belmont stakes

date: 06.07.2008
from: JM
to: DM
re: it's sunny, there are horsies to bet on, let's get drunk

[in three parts]

@12:30pm
re: how's life at the track?


@12:57pm
re: it's pretty hot in florida

"YOU have NO IDEA what 'hot' is. We are dripping."


@ 2:55pm
re: how's the day going? won any big money yet?

"Good. Drunk. Just ate the world's best foot-long hotdog. Now I will throw up. That is all."

what's important in a bar

date: 06.13.2008
from: NM
to: DM
re: is nothing sacred anymore?

"Fav bar traded buck hunter for golden tee. I quit."

holiday treats

date: 12.22.2007
from: NM
to: DM
re: why all pastries should be made with liberal helpings of alcohol

"Quote Mitch when he tried mom's bourbon balls 'this is everything I ever wanted in a cookie'."

the thrill of the hunt

date: 05.13.2008
to: DM
from: BH
re: our favorite saffron infused gin; perfect for british landholders in India

"I just bought some Old Raj. Go prepare my elephant."

wedding disaster (for the guests)

date: 12.28.2007
from: JA
to: DM
re: why did i fly cross country for this friggin wedding, again?

"no one has a car, so we're all trapped like rats at a golf course compound. Cali sucks."

i don't think he was kidding

date: 04.01.2008
from: BS
to:DM
re: need to chat about plans for this weekend

"You gonna be around later tonight? I'm kinda drunk right now and need a little time yo (sic) sober up b4 I can talk in sentences."

the most exciting tuesday night ever

date: 04.08.2008
from: CH
to: DM
re: what's up for tonight?

"I am the very exclusive, very chic, and incredibly hip... laundromat. Boo for responsibility."

man vs. rodent

date: 04.28.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: new tactics might be needed

"The mice are eating the mouse-proof basket itself! I repeat, the mice are eating the mouse-proof basket itself."

the things you hear if you listen closely

date: 02.25.2008
from: LP
to: DM
re: the two people at the table next to us one monday night

"To us right -- such a first date. The convo is hilarious!"

life with grandma at moheagan sun

date: 03.22.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: luck was not a lady tonight... more like a tramp with a new jersey accent

@ 12:05 am

"Stupid, stupid black jack."

@ 1:05am

"Don't know if you've ever had the experience of being the 'Bad luck charm' for a table of old inveterate gamblers, but i don't recommend it."

keeping your eye on the ball

date: 03.20.2008
from: C-Mc
to: DM
re: important request while at bamboo 52

"There better be a drink waiting for me when I leave this bathroom."

luck of the scottish

date: 03.17.2008
from: mom
to: DM
re: when st. patrick's day goes horribly wrong and gets crossed with mardi gras

"Dad just wandered in."

the day continued without C-ho

date: 03.08.2008
from: SM
to: DM
re: her take on a Saturday full of drinking

@ 8:48pm
"So fing drunk. At black bear"

oh, saturday

date: 03.08.2008
from: C-Ho
to: DM
re: how's the day full of drinking going? (in two parts)

@7:34pm

"Awesome. Am Wasted."

@7:36pm

"Going home. So drunk."

one solution to hunger

date: 03.07.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: the delicious bounty of delivery food we got for $20

"why are ethiopians starving? Can't they just order chinese?"

the stranger

date: 03.02.2008
from: RM
to: DM
re: who is the boy asleep in your bedroom

"it's a random dude I played beer pong with at a bar-- then I couldn't walk so he took me home"

Yes, but what about your delicious cheese dip?!?!

date: 02.03.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: the giants just won, the city's going crazy

"Read about a bar in queens in my beloved sunday post, they're doing open bar all night if the giants won, ended up here. Apparently, according to the cheers, boston sucks."

It's good to have goals

01.12.2008
from: Lamb
to: DM
re: can you let me know what's on the agenda? pretty please?

"Hey let me know if you guys are doing awesome things tonight... I want to be awesome too!"

fallout from an afternoon of flipcup

date: 01.12.2008
from: MR
to: DM
re: 11:04pm

"Dude. Just passed out on my buddy.s (sic) couch. I mean i just woke up. Oy."

DM's advice probably didn't help much

date: 01.14.2008
from: Lamb
to: DM
re: Just dragged my drunken fiancee back to the apartment

"Told meg 'getting some tonight whether you like it or not'... neg response... please advise."

just when you thought you'd broken the glass ceiling

date: 12.17.2007
from: LT
to: DM
re: working laaaaaaaaaaaaate tonight

"I've hit a new low at work. I may be a VP, but I just got sent from the boardroom to order dinner for everyone."

when mom's away...

date: 01.08.2008
from: DM1
to: DM2
re: the wives must have been busy

"Sabres' game is on! You there? Chris A and I got hall passes, so we're at Timothy Patrick's watching!"

girls and sports

date: 01.05.2008
from: S-Co
to: DM
re: i finally figured out how to enjoy sports on tv!

"Go Seahawks! Watching football isn't so bad when you have money on it!"

miller family car rides

date: 01.06.2008
from: NM
to: DM
re: where are you brother -- there's no one to separate the parents and me!

"This is the worst ever family drive. Need buffer."

horrific disaster of epic proportions

date: 01.02.2008
from: JA
to: DM
re: an inauspicious start to the new year

"The only thing worse that having my laundry price go up fifty cents is losing two cashwords in under five minutes."

that's gonna put a crimp in new year's eve

date: 01.01.2008
from: SM
to: DM
re: subway problems while trying to get from the first NYE party to the second


"fell asleep. woke up at wall st"

[note: despite said train snafu, SM still made it out to the party in williamsburg.]

is it really a good idea to keep the NYE party going?

date: 01.01.2008
from: JL
to: DM
re: a rhyming invitation to new year's day festivities in Astoria

"You've missed some fun, but there's more to come! Come on over, you wont leave sober!"